Bittersweet

Three years ago, I was hours from saying my final goodbye to Ted. I was calling the kids home one final time. The tears now come easy as I reflect on everything leading up to May 2, 2013. My heart remembers the pain of losing such a vitally important part of my life.

Of course I yearn for the adventurous life I had with him, my best friend ever. I long to go back to the way things were, when I felt so loved, so happy and purposeful. The days of camping, traveling, hiking, laughing and worshiping God together through all of it.

There were times, in the early days of grief, I thought the best part of my life was over. I couldn’t imagine doing more than “existing” for the rest of my days without Ted. On the other hand, sometimes I felt I could live out my years basking in the great memories until I see him again in Heaven. But that would be to live in the shadow of what was, and not to experience the fullness of what is yet to be in God's design.

Because of God’s strength poured into my weakness, today I am standing and enjoying  fullness in life again. I have rich purpose with our five kids going in five lively directions. Yesterday, I was surrounded by our five beautiful grandchildren, with the legacy of their grandfather living on in each of them.

My tears turn to joy when I recall how great God has been to me through the journey. The difficult times have made me better acquainted with the ways God speaks individually to me. I have walked with Him more intentionally, more desperately, more completely. I could not have gotten here another way. I am thrilled with what God has done and what He is doing. God continues to open doors and give me new purpose.

Writing my book, Life, Love and Loss, has been a tremendous source of healing. When I penned its first words in June 2014, there were tears of grief. As the structure formed and the momentum grew, they turned into happy tears.

And now, I have tears of incredible joy as I daily hear feedback on what sharing our story is doing for others. All those hours behind the computer, piecing together many fragments, choosing the words best suited to embody our story, have finally produced fruit that is encouraging others.

Abiding in Jesus is everything. Apart from Him I can do nothing.

Gracious God, I’m so thankful that you gave me the life with Ted, and now have given me new purpose in sharing our story! I pray for others who are in a difficult spot. Lord, I know that you can redeem it all.  

Pictured in the foreground is the magnolia memorial tree from my siblings; and in the background, the hundreds of daffodils Ted and I planted in summer 2012 that began opening for me May 2, 2013.


For a copy of the book, please connect with me (my favorite way!) or you can purchase online at www.createspace.com/6139992.