Beyond the Wall

On my drive to work this morning, I saw a pair of colorful birds fly across in front of me as I pulled up to a stoplight. My eyes followed them to a flowering tree where they lit. Orioles! A pair of them. It stirred my excitement as I watched them playfully flit from branch to branch and take off in flight again.

They landed on  tree inside the maximum-security correctional institution, which is surrounded by high stone walls. Yet, despite their surroundings, they were free to fly about as they pleased, even beyond the wall.

It made me thankful for my own freedom in Christ. Because I focus daily on abiding in him, I need not be dragged down and paralyzed by the weighty things in life. My attitude is positive; my perspective is hopeful. In a sense, I can live above my circumstances because Jesus is with me wherever I go. His counsel, His strength and His provisions are as near as I choose.

Lord, your constant love gives us confidence to be the best we can be. May we live in a way that brings hope to those who stumble in darkness. Thank you, Jesus, for the great freedom we have in you.

Drenched in His Love

In my head and in my heart I know I can trust God, but why do I sometimes still feel fear and anxiety?

I've had a few weeks of deep stress. I felt so out of my comfort zone with responsibilities that now are mine. My heart cried out to God day and night.

That sounds a lot like the Psalms, doesn't it? And, each day as I open the Psalms, I'm reminded that King David also experienced a lot of stress and anxiety, but that through every trial, he kept his focus on God's lovingkindness, His unfailing love. I too pray daily, "O Eternal, drench us with your endless love, even now as we wait for you." (Ps. 33:22 The Voice)

Of course, Jesus knew stress, too, and He knew waiting. The Bible says Jesus was troubled in spirit when He knew one of His disciples would betray Him. When He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, His soul was "overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Clearly Jesus knew every emotion we could ever feel.

So, we may feel fear and anxiety, but we are not to dwell there. We are to abide in our great God, focusing on His unfailing love. Psalm 33 also says, "We live with hope in the Eternal. We wait for Him, for He is our divine help, our impenetrable shield. Our hearts erupt with joy in Him because we trust in His holy name." (Ps. 20-21)

I truly have moments where my heart erupts with joy as I see how God is answering my prayers. While I no longer have Ted and all the wonderful things we had together, God has sent amazingly thoughtful people to walk with me through this sometimes dark and foggy valley. Each beautiful person reaches out and meets a different need (listening, companionship, prayer, encouragement, physical help and expertise, confidence, comfort and love). Each one is an unmistakable representation of God's lovingkindness in my life.

It will take me a lifetime to pay forward all the beautiful kindnesses that people have blessed me with these last months. But what a good goal that is to have!

Walking through grief or other struggles of life can be heart-wrenching, to be sure. But God's amazing grace and unfailing love abound every single day, if we keep our senses tuned to recognizing it.

Lord, you are all powerful, all knowing and your love is truly endless. Thank you for drenching me in your love! May God richly bless every dear person who is blessing me and loving me so well.

How Much More

Mount Tremblant National Park, Quebec Sept. 2007

From so many "lookouts" in life, Ted and I have seen God's glory in His creation. From the great bluffs of Nova Scotia to the crest of Mount Tremblant to the high rugged trails on Mount Washington. I remember the wind whipping wildly as we shivered and watched the Lake Michigan waves roll in at Two Rivers one winter day. I remember his arms around me as we drank in the crisp, clear starry night at Big White on our honeymoon years ago.

Oh, to have any of that back again! Through great gulps of grief I savor the sweetness of all we had. There are times he feels so near I can almost see the love in his eyes, breathe his familiar scent or hold his ever-warm hands...

But I can not.

Oh, the pain of that!! I can not reach him as he is just beyond the veil, in another realm beyond my comprehension.

It makes the longing for Heaven that much stronger. It makes the yearning for that final journey that much greater. It makes my deep need for God -- His strength, His love, His direction -- that much more urgent.

"How much more" was a phrase Ted and I loved to study as we saw it occurred in the Bible quite frequently. It took things to a higher level; stepped them up a notch.

• If God clothes the grasses of the field -- those that will be tomorrow thrown into the fire -- how much more would He clothe you and me and provide for our deepest needs. (Luke 12:28)
• If a father, imperfect as he might be, knows how to give good things to his children, how much more would our Father in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him. (Matt. 7:11)
• If many died through the sin of one man (Adam), how much more would those receive God's abundant provision of grace and the gift of righteousness through one man, Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:16-18)

God gives perfect gifts. He is not just a good giver, but a giver of "how much more." If God has already provided great things for us together in this life, how much more will He continue to provide good things. How much more will He saturate my life with His presence to get me through these painful times. How much more can I trust Him for what is to come, though I know not and see not what the future holds.

Dear God, I have always known you as a God of abundance. How much more you offer every new day. How much more is possible because we hope in you. How much more will I learn to love you and serve you in this life as you prepare me for eternity, too. How much more excited and fulfilled Ted and I will be when we meet again some day!

A Bright New Hope

Magnificent moment of sunrise, captured in Minnesota.

Living on high alert can be exhausting.

Since we learned just how aggressive Ted's cancer had become, I once again became vigilant. Needing to ask the right questions, wanting to be prepared for whatever is next, knowing it could be a long journey, I took it all on as best I could.

But, it's hard to sleep when you can't let your body relax. So I've been practicing a lot of "letting go" of the burdens I am trying to carry:

When we learned his cancer had become resistant to standard chemo drugs, we asked God to show us a way. We know that God beats incredible odds and redeems impossible situations. We read it and teach it and share it each day. Now it is time to believe it for ourselves. We got a second opinion which offered a clinical trial on a promising new drug.

In the weeks we waited to hear if insurance would cover the costs, we knew we had to surrender that, too. God would provide, we said -- or maybe He already had, even if it wiped out all our savings (it all came from Him in the first place). Soon we got word that insurance will likely cover.

Yet, the heaviest weight I carry is the thought of losing my dear husband and all the richness of life we enjoy together.

In the sweetest of spots deep in my heart, I know the love of God is greater than anything I could ever ask or imagine. Nothing can ever separate me from His love. His care and His grace go with me every step of the way. Though I pray desperately for healing, I opened my hands and asked that God's will be done, because He has a plan for all and He knows best.

And three days after Ted started taking the drug, we began to see amazing results. It's working! It's working! A bright new hope gleams at this moment in our lives. We continue to surrender to Him and trust that it will continue. We are in awe of the One who provides all we need for each day.

(If you'd like, you can follow our journey on www.caringbridge.org/visit/tbj. You'll need to enter your email and set up a password.)

We Do Not Lose Heart

Several of my work friends are losing their jobs of many years. Names are missing, cubes are cleared out, e-mails bounce back.

Others close to me are missing loved ones. The memory of their loss pierces their hearts each day. Will the pain ever go away?

Many in my church ask for prayers over serious health issues, overwhelming finances or complicated relationships. My prayer list is growing. There is suffering everywhere.

And then there is Haiti.

These poor souls have suffered their whole lives -- but we hear stories of these beautiful, victorious people who have not lost hope:

• A man searched through wreckage and debris every day for his wife until he found her.
  
• His wife, who survived a week under rubble, praised God and sang as she emerged into the light of day again.
  
• A young man pinned under a fallen building for 14 days survived by rationing a jug of water and was rescued just hours after his supply ran out.
  
• A doctor reported that hundreds of hungry, terrified, grieving, hurting people waited so patiently in long lines to be treated for life-threatening injuries -- without a single security incident.
• A 66-year-old widow and a 12-year-old boy who had just lost their entire families decided to become a team -- a new family -- saying, "God will provide. In fact, He already has"...

I remember that suffering is not new; the Bible gives many examples. We can relate to what Paul wrote: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed." (2 Cor. 4:8-9, but read the chapter for the full encouragement...)

We must not forget that God is with us through it all. Just think, He is with all of His suffering children at once! He is sovereign. We do not understand, but we do know God is the One who can call light out of darkness.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4:16-18 NIV)

Thank you, Lord, for role models with strong faith -- strengthened, no doubt, by suffering and walking along, trusting in You no matter what. Oh, give them strength!

To My Delight

It began with a playful little prayer two weeks ago. Reflecting on good times of the past and wondering where some of those people are now, I asked God if He would connect me with someone I haven't seen in awhile.

Just three days later, I found Patti at the library in the Christian book section. Seven years ago, we had shared our faith and our interest in art, then lost touch. I thanked God for answering my prayer already!

While watching the news that same evening, I was thrilled to see a face I hadn't seen in 30 years! God had answered again, reminding me of a rich friendship, also rooted in our faith. (No, the news is not all negative!)

Then this weekend, I "divinely" bumped into a grade school classmate who had moved away 40 years ago. It was such fun to reminisce about childhood adventures!

My husband asked, "Why do you think God brought these people back in your life?"

"Relationships are important," I answered. I had made a request to my Daddy and He delighted in surprising me. "That's how God is, don't we know? He often answers in abundance!" I dismissed the question, but the sweetness of the answered prayers lingered awhile. He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine... (Ephesians 3:20 NIV).

Then late that evening, I looked to my husband for reassurance as I revisited a heavy situation, a yet unanswered prayer, that was once again consuming my thoughts. For a very long time I have prayed, and God's answer, so far, has been "Wait."

I remembered how God had come through so many times in wonderfully unexpected ways. I tried to stay positive, imagining the day this prayer would be answered too. It has been a painfully long wait -- I never thought I'd be languishing this long. I struggled with the logic on why this wouldn't be God's will now. Would I have to face it that this may never be God's will?

"His way is perfect and His timing is perfect," Ted comforted.

Aha! That is why God answered my little prayer! He wants to reassure me He has heard all my prayers. He can't end the long wait just yet -- I'll have to trust Him with the details -- but perhaps He answered my whimsical prayer to let me know He has been hearing me! He has given me a little something to sustain my hope.

Thank you, God, for your lavish love and great patience with me. Thank you that even one small request was important to you, Almighty God! You know my heart and its deepest desires, and I will trust you -- for however long it may take.

Turning to the Light

As we were driving through western Wisconsin, we came upon field after field of sunflowers, their heads turned all in the same direction. My husband and I were reminded of that amazing little detail in creation -- how flowers turn toward the light, every one!

...but wait, it had been raining all morning and the sun had not shown its face. How did the sunflowers know to turn to the east if not drawn by the sun?

"That is a picture of faith," I said. Ted said it was "hope with confidence."

Just as the sun had risen in the east so many times before, it would appear again in the east, if it would appear at all.

We also have hope with confidence. We have God's Word and His promise that He will come again. We have the confidence from reading the scriptures. We are so blessed that God gave us the Bible and we don't have to rely on just oral tradition that could become distorted or lose its power over the years.

No, we have confidence and we keep our faces turned to Him while we wait in hope until He comes again.