Gone From Here, But Still Near

Valentine's Day would have been our 10-year wedding anniversary. The day I married the love of my life was a sunny Saturday with lots of snow on the ground, much like today (okay, not this much snow!). It will always be my favorite Valentine's Day for obvious reasons. But I had a very good one this year, too.

As a grieving person will tell you, it's important to prepare for these big days. Each day for the past several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about Valentine's Day and how I could prepare to celebrate in a way that didn't "surprise me" too much.

Though I received other sweet offers and many calls of encouragement, I made some low-key plans with a dear friend who lost her soulmate the year before. We spent the day doing some of the adventurous outdoor things Ted and Jeff would have done. We visited the frozen beach in Algoma, enjoyed the full moon guiding us home, and tried to imagine all that our men would be doing in the great world beyond this life.

We truly felt God's unfailing love envelop us in the way the day unfolded. 

How much more I have been learning to abide and marvel at the way God provides the sweetest details in the most remarkable ways. His love is so wonderful and there is joy in life again. 

Ted and I have a long distance relationship now, but he is present and I can live in his love, much like I've experienced living in God's love. I tried to imagine Ted's words encouraging me:

My Love,
You know I am near you on this day of all days, my bride, my forever love.

You're doing a great job and I am so proud of you. I knew you were smart and capable. I knew you could do it.

It wouldn't have been my choice to leave you. Why, I wanted to bring you along with me -- like on all our greatest adventures! Oh, I wish you could see and experience what I am seeing and experiencing now.

Enchanting...Glorious...Magnificent...Ethereal...Transcendent... No, all that and more! There are no words adequate to describe the infinite design, wisdom and beauty of the galaxies and the heavens!

You would not believe what God has in store for those who love Him. Imagine all the most beautiful places we've seen together and roll them into one...and, Babe, you ain't seen nothing yet.

You were such a blessing to me and I am so pleased to see all that you are now taking on. You are growing so much. I know there are still some "advanced" climbs necessary -- some rocky terrain -- but don't be discouraged. Our Lord is with you and I'm with you, and it's well worth the trip!

I love you so much and I'll be waiting for you so we can spend eternity together in the PRESENCE OF OUR GREAT GOD. Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Til then...
My deepest love,
Ted

Heavenly Father, thank you for your unfailing love and your generous gifts lavished on me. Thank you for the wonderful man you gave me. You make it possible for me to feel "complete," even with such a huge part of my life gone from here. Thank you for the promise of eternity.

Always by My Side

I touched the beautifully adorned Christmas tree and needles began to fall. Sadly, I knew it was time to remove it...

This year, I'd gone with a teddy-bear decorating theme, in honor of our "Ted-bear" we were all missing so much. But removing the warmth, beauty and symbolism from my home wouldn't be easy, especially this first Christmas without my loving husband. The kids had all been home from far-away places, and we had shared sweet "God-with-us" time together, cementing new memories in this journey that was uncertain for all of us.

As I slowly took off each ornament with a story of its own, I thought I could be strong. But the tears began to flow. "I miss you so much, my love," I began to say to Ted. "It's been so long since I've heard your sweet voice. If only I could hear your voice... I loved our life together." I realized it had been exactly nine months since I had last heard him speak... since the night he'd been put into a drug-induced coma that he had never come out of.

I turned on my Christian music station because it was just too hard to be there in the quiet alone. In a few short minutes, I heard the Chris Tomlin song, "Whom Shall I Fear (The God of Angel Armies)," reminding me Who goes before me, Who stands behind and Who is always by my side.

Such strength I had received from that beautiful song, hearing it again and again during the very critical times while Ted was in the hospital. This was the same song I'd sung to him on that most trauma-filled night of my life, and his. I had grasped at whatever I could do to give him strength while he fought for his life. My tears were now coming in great gushes. Finding it too painful to go there again, I turned my mind back to untangling the lights.

I thought of how God makes His presence (and Ted's presence) so real. He has certainly shown me in a multitude of ways that He holds me tenderly in the palm of His hand. I have felt His enduring love in so many ways and the joy has reawakened in my heart. I told Ted not to worry, that I would be alright. "But the reality is that I just miss you tremendously." 

As I dragged the tree out the door, another precious song came on the radio. This one was 10,000 Reasons, another that had encouraged us and had become a mainstay. I had later chosen it for his memorial service. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, I still have 10,000 reasons to keep on singing and praising His holy name...

Both of these songs had been very popular last year, but hadn't received much air time lately. How odd, I thought, that not one but these two special songs had played just now to encourage me.

No... maybe it's not odd at all. I had sung those songs to Ted to give him encouragement and now perhaps he was singing them to me?

Gracious God, you are the BEST! How personal is your love and attentiveness to me. Whom shall I fear? Nothing formed against me will stand. You hold the whole world in your hands. I'm holding on to your promises, you are faithful...!

Looking Back, Moving Ahead

It's been a difficult year, but God's unfailing love is sweet as I am learning to abide more fully. Here are a few highlights of what I've learned in 2013 to help me live better in 2014:

• To abide more fully in the Lord. My most desperate times (Ted's weeks in ICU, then learning to live without him) caused me to cling to the Lord, looking fully to Him for whatever would come next, especially when I had no clue how things would turn out. Clearly, that it is the Lord's intention for our lives, each day and every day and I will focus on continuing to live that way.
• To grasp God's grace. I'm letting go of things I worried needlessly over in the past. Grasping God's grace is realizing He has the whole world in His hands, the very best in mind for each one of us, and He's orchestrating the ultimate, beautiful plan for everything here and into eternity. There are things I can't comprehend, but when I rest in His grace, I know that whatever happens, I am still in the palm of His loving hand.
• To be a truer friend (daughter, sister, mother, grandmother). Family and friends have never meant so much as when walking with me through the gullies of grief this past year. Relationships have been deepened and strengthened by the experience shared. I have deep gratitude for those who have shone their light into my life in so many extraordinary ways, wrapping me in compassion. I will strive to pay this compassion forward in everything I do.
• To use my gifts and not squander them. Forsaking other distractions in life, I will pursue the activities that give God the most glory. God created each of us with unique gifts, and if they are not nurtured and shared, not only do we miss out, but others around us do, too. When I use my gifts, I feel His pleasure -- and God intended it that way! Why wait until everything else on the to-do list is accomplished? -- this is what I've been created to do!
• I won't sweat the small stuff. And most of it is small in relation to life, death and eternity. Does every detail have to be perfect? Does everything have to "fall in place" before we act on something? Probably not. Ted and I had very little grumbling in our relationship, but if I could do it over, there is NOTHING worth grumbling about! I want to love well the people God has put in my life.
• To live my influence. Where God placed me in life is a divine appointment. What He has poured into me is meant to be shared for the good of others around me. That may mean telling my story or listening to another's, passionately pursuing or patiently persevering, encouraging or correcting, lavishing love or sacrificing. Life on earth is short. There is meaningful work to be done. Jesus is coming back for us soon.

What will you pursue in 2014?

Persevering Through the Valley

The valleys were deep again this week as I do the painful yet necessary work of grief. Having Ted in my life was such a huge and wonderful blessing, so it is going to be a mountain of work to reshape a life without him.

You only get perseverance from what you persevere through.

I know that the testing of our faith produces perseverance and we need to let it finish its work so that we are not lacking anything. So, I remember that even now, though I can't always see or feel it, God is in the middle of a good work. That's His nature. He drenches us in His unfailing love and He works all things together for good for those who love Him. It encourages me to persevere with Him.

With so much to do and much more on the horizon, I started believing that the harder and faster I work, the sooner I can simplify my life. But, I realized that this strategy has put many things in motion that have complicated my life rather than bringing the simplicity I so desire.

This week, in the middle of a big valley, my grief counselor suggested I take a six-week "vacation" from thinking about the rentals and just let things unfold. That way I can focus on the holidays and be more free to enjoy the moments with family and friends, and to take care of myself. I love that idea and the "permission" she gave me to do that.

After all, God is in control anyway, so it really is surrendering to Him and not trying to do it all myself. Wait a minute... when did I revert to thinking it was up to me? God has been so very faithful in showing me that when I abide, He provides. I have many, many examples of Him providing daily manna in my life. My part is to focus on today and to just walk with Him.

Even when things seem long, dark or bleak, His great grace finds me. We always have HOPE in the Lord Our God! According to C.S. Lewis, "If we can praise and worship Him in the midst of trouble, pain or loss, that is what pleases Him the most."

So, Lord, I'm breathing in your grace, and breathing out your praise... I'm breathing in your grace, and breathing out your praise.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, still I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior (Hab. 3:17-18). All praise to our great God!

Quiet Reassurance

Driving home one day, I was feeling quite frustrated. I remembered how Ted had such a sweet way of calming me. He'd always give me a hug and a kiss and a new perspective. How I longed for Ted's reassurance now, I prayed.

I noticed a big white streak in the sky and remembered how Ted always loved to watch the jets go over. When we traveled, he'd purposely include these vapor trails in the photos he took, commenting on how crisp and clear they were.

A few minutes later, I looked out the window to see one jet trail crossing another. My frustration quickly dissolved as I immediately thought it was God's way of allowing Ted to send me a big kiss!

Since then, I have often been comforted, encouraged and thrilled to see big X's, crisp X's and even multiple X's. And the timing couldn't be better!

It's been a fun way to remind the grandkids that Grandpa is still near and expressing his love for us. We so often used to sit on our bench out front with the kids and watch the jets come in. I told them a long streak that cuts the entire sky in half is a big hug from Grandpa, and if they see two streaks that cross each other, it's a kiss.

Over the past few months, I've really grown to love these quiet reassurances. It reminds me of how God delights in us -- and loves to delight us!

X X X O O O right back... 'til we meet again!

Drenched in His Love

In my head and in my heart I know I can trust God, but why do I sometimes still feel fear and anxiety?

I've had a few weeks of deep stress. I felt so out of my comfort zone with responsibilities that now are mine. My heart cried out to God day and night.

That sounds a lot like the Psalms, doesn't it? And, each day as I open the Psalms, I'm reminded that King David also experienced a lot of stress and anxiety, but that through every trial, he kept his focus on God's lovingkindness, His unfailing love. I too pray daily, "O Eternal, drench us with your endless love, even now as we wait for you." (Ps. 33:22 The Voice)

Of course, Jesus knew stress, too, and He knew waiting. The Bible says Jesus was troubled in spirit when He knew one of His disciples would betray Him. When He prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, His soul was "overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." Clearly Jesus knew every emotion we could ever feel.

So, we may feel fear and anxiety, but we are not to dwell there. We are to abide in our great God, focusing on His unfailing love. Psalm 33 also says, "We live with hope in the Eternal. We wait for Him, for He is our divine help, our impenetrable shield. Our hearts erupt with joy in Him because we trust in His holy name." (Ps. 20-21)

I truly have moments where my heart erupts with joy as I see how God is answering my prayers. While I no longer have Ted and all the wonderful things we had together, God has sent amazingly thoughtful people to walk with me through this sometimes dark and foggy valley. Each beautiful person reaches out and meets a different need (listening, companionship, prayer, encouragement, physical help and expertise, confidence, comfort and love). Each one is an unmistakable representation of God's lovingkindness in my life.

It will take me a lifetime to pay forward all the beautiful kindnesses that people have blessed me with these last months. But what a good goal that is to have!

Walking through grief or other struggles of life can be heart-wrenching, to be sure. But God's amazing grace and unfailing love abound every single day, if we keep our senses tuned to recognizing it.

Lord, you are all powerful, all knowing and your love is truly endless. Thank you for drenching me in your love! May God richly bless every dear person who is blessing me and loving me so well.

Nature's Perfect Worship Service

Last memories at a favorite camping spot.

Last Labor Day weekend was glorious weather for camping. Ted and I usually invited others along, but somehow this outing was a gift just for us. God blessed us with so many simple pleasures that weekend and I'm so happy I captured them in my journal...

We heard the hoot-hoot-hoot of an owl as we stretched out on our sleeping bag late that first night. A full moon greeted us through the canopy of our tent.

In the wee early morning, we heard the mystical croon of the loon -- for hours and hours. One of the absolute best perks of camping was hearing this beautiful sound of the north as we drifted in and out of dreamland.

As the morning sun ushered in the day, we made coffee on our camp stove and brought it out in the canoe.

On the placid river, we watched a great blue heron fish for her breakfast and then shake her head to help swallow down her big catch. A small bird perched in the bushes thrust its head back and let out a long melodious warble. A mud hen floated in the bog, then went under cover as we glided near. A loon and her baby swam together, separately disappearing under the water and popping up in new spots, the baby peeping for his mother.

We talked of how it was nature's perfect "worship service." Tranquility. Peace. Harmony. The heron was a sterling example of patience and perseverance. The songbird exuded joy. The loon added its melodic voice to the worship. Ted and I thanked God that we were able to be there at all. What a great picture it was of how well God provides for all His creation.

We cooked a savory brunch of bacon, potatoes and veggies in foil as Ted poked and tended the fire. Later, he grinned like a kid as he played with a pine bough in the fire, watching it crackle. Our little dog Nikki chased the chipmunks that teased her.

As we nestled around a dancing bonfire that evening, our conversation turned to the birth of Jesus and what we learned from each of the gospels about it. We observed how Herod was evil, like Hitler was evil (Germany 1938), like Assad was evil (Syria 2012)... and there is always evil. But God is good. He is in control. He is our hope, our refuge, our strength and our guide through anything we meet in this world.

Why does evil exist? Who are "the least of these" around us? How do we know if we're in the center of God's will? These are some of the great topics we dove into. Ted said as long as we are seeking, listening and obeying, we are on the right track. It's up to God to reveal, and it's up to us to listen and act.

As we often did, we alternated in a free-flowing, conversational prayer as we gazed upon the captivating fire. We lifted family members, friends and situations around the world, placing them in God's capable hands, one by one. We expressed our gratefulness for the simplicity of our surroundings, the beauty of all creation giving Him glory. How we loved our lives together, with God in His place of priority.

Oh dear God, little did I know that would be our last camping trip. But what a beautiful weekend it was in so many ways. You gave us the best! You gave me the best when you gave him to me. My heart is forever grateful for Your goodness.

(Click the colored links in the story to see related stories.)