Bittersweet

Three years ago, I was hours from saying my final goodbye to Ted. I was calling the kids home one final time. The tears now come easy as I reflect on everything leading up to May 2, 2013. My heart remembers the pain of losing such a vitally important part of my life.

Of course I yearn for the adventurous life I had with him, my best friend ever. I long to go back to the way things were, when I felt so loved, so happy and purposeful. The days of camping, traveling, hiking, laughing and worshiping God together through all of it.

There were times, in the early days of grief, I thought the best part of my life was over. I couldn’t imagine doing more than “existing” for the rest of my days without Ted. On the other hand, sometimes I felt I could live out my years basking in the great memories until I see him again in Heaven. But that would be to live in the shadow of what was, and not to experience the fullness of what is yet to be in God's design.

Because of God’s strength poured into my weakness, today I am standing and enjoying  fullness in life again. I have rich purpose with our five kids going in five lively directions. Yesterday, I was surrounded by our five beautiful grandchildren, with the legacy of their grandfather living on in each of them.

My tears turn to joy when I recall how great God has been to me through the journey. The difficult times have made me better acquainted with the ways God speaks individually to me. I have walked with Him more intentionally, more desperately, more completely. I could not have gotten here another way. I am thrilled with what God has done and what He is doing. God continues to open doors and give me new purpose.

Writing my book, Life, Love and Loss, has been a tremendous source of healing. When I penned its first words in June 2014, there were tears of grief. As the structure formed and the momentum grew, they turned into happy tears.

And now, I have tears of incredible joy as I daily hear feedback on what sharing our story is doing for others. All those hours behind the computer, piecing together many fragments, choosing the words best suited to embody our story, have finally produced fruit that is encouraging others.

Abiding in Jesus is everything. Apart from Him I can do nothing.

Gracious God, I’m so thankful that you gave me the life with Ted, and now have given me new purpose in sharing our story! I pray for others who are in a difficult spot. Lord, I know that you can redeem it all.  

Pictured in the foreground is the magnolia memorial tree from my siblings; and in the background, the hundreds of daffodils Ted and I planted in summer 2012 that began opening for me May 2, 2013.


For a copy of the book, please connect with me (my favorite way!) or you can purchase online at www.createspace.com/6139992.

Letting in More of His Light

"In Him was life and that life was the light of all mankind." (John 1:4)

I let that light permeate my mind a few moments…

Light helps me see things I wouldn’t otherwise see. It keeps me from stumbling in the darkness. Light reveals the truth. It highlights beauty and exposes flaws. Light shows the way, inspires potential.

Light is a photographer’s most powerful tool. Consider the glorious moments of sunrise and sunset: what an adventure it is to be poised to get a piece of that spectacular sky! An artist seeks to capture the elusive beauty of light – a light that brings ambiance, releases emotion and makes colors come alive. From a box of paints the artist painstakingly coaxes the colors to life to replicate a sunlit forest path, the dewdrop on a rose or a glistening pond. Oh, the treasure and pleasure of light!

But the light of Jesus Christ transcends all other light, radiating out to all who seek it. It is exceedingly more beautiful and powerful than any other light source we know. It brings life! It warms, adorns and enchants every living thing.

From the gentlest glow to a burst of tremendous intensity, He speaks into our lives. His light casts a serene simplicity on the most perplexing matters, it diffuses doubt and articulates direction. It is vibrant and undeniable, when it finally penetrates the walls we hide within. The next step is well illuminated -- we know what needs to be done.

Just as an artist's eye discerns the best colors to blend, a child of God recognizes the times she needs to draw nearer still, to be infused with His light. Sometimes it is a scrupulous process, as we are not often given a "high beam" when we ask for light. Most often, walking with Jesus and abiding in Him provides just enough light to take the next step.

Lord, you have come into the world as light, so that no one who believes in you should stay in darkness. (John 12:46) Let your marvelous light seep into every area of my life. Saturate me with your light and your life. 

Light of the world you stepped down into darkness, opened my eyes, let me see… (love that song!)

Doing the Hard Thing

Just finished reading an excellent book, “A Million Miles in  a Thousand Years; What I Learned While Editing My Life.” More than just a wonderful story, it has enhanced my passion for life.

When two Nashville screenwriters began to write a movie about author Donald Miller’s life, they told him they had to change some things in his life story to make it more engaging on the big screen. As he explored the concepts of what makes a great story, it incited him to get off the couch and immerse himself in life… to join in and make the world a better place. (Not that he was a slug, by any means, as he had already written several successful books at a young age.)

Weaving his real life stories with candor, sensitivity and humor, Donald relayed how he began living more intentionally. He forced himself to get out and do the difficult things that up until now, he’d only been thinking about – finding his dad, meeting a particular girl, getting out on his bike. While most of us conveniently choose the elevator rather than the stairs of life, Donald shares his wit and grit, competently illustrating how doing the hard thing pays off – in more ways than one, and how he found greater purpose in life than self-satisfaction. He began "writing a better story with his life."

He persuasively shows how the journey of life – especially the difficult parts – is what builds our character, which is extremely more valuable than immediate accomplishments or results.

The book was especially inspirational to me because he talked about the difficult discipline of being a writer. “You can sit around and wait for inspiration to come, but you’ll never finish your book that way… A writer may never feel like writing any more than a plumber feels like fixing a pipe, but just like him, you make a plan and start in on the messy work of making a story.”

And, so I’m beginning to blog again. It’s not that I’d quit, really. Just slowed to a meager drip. Among the other priorities (of helping my husband through cancer treatments and hip surgery) in the last few months, I also let the forces of resistance fuel my doubts and started believing I didn’t have anything worthwhile to say.

But I know that’s not true; and when I blog I feel such satisfaction! I believe it’s what I need to do right now, if for no other reason than to discipline myself, hone my gift of writing and wait for further direction. And I really hope to stir the minds of a few readers who find these insights helpful!

So, I ask you, “What kind of story are YOU writing with your life? What kind of legacy are you creating? Are you willing to do the hard thing that needs to be done? Is there something you have been wanting to do, but dragging your feet about? This world so desperately needs the good we all have to offer.

Lord God, You give each of us gifts and passions that are meant to be shared. You have encouraged us, telling us we are the light of the world! Instead of hiding it under a bowl, help us to put our light on a stand so that it lights the way for others and gives glory to You (Matt 5:13-16). Help us have courage to do the sometimes difficult things we know we must do.