Walking by Faith

My heart is broken and so much of the fun, the flavor and the fizzle in my life is gone. Even with great people around me, this lost and empty feeling is here with me every day. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to draw in breath. I wonder how I can ever feel okay again...

But I know it's early and the pain is still so raw. And I know the One who heals. I know where my hope and my help comes from (Ps. 121). With all the courage I can find, I put one foot in front of the other and walk by faith. Faith is not a feeling, it is an act of obedience. God is good and I'm sticking as close to Him as I can.

These words fit so well from The Hurt and the Healer, by Mercy Me:

So, here I am
what's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering...

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide

Breathe
sometimes I feel its all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through...


Dear Lord, I realize you have equipped me for this time. You have taught me so many ways to see what it's like to abide in you, to look to you for my every need -- physical, emotional, spiritual. You have given me sweet training in surrender. I will practice what you've been teaching me. I will walk by faith.

How Much More

Mount Tremblant National Park, Quebec Sept. 2007

From so many "lookouts" in life, Ted and I have seen God's glory in His creation. From the great bluffs of Nova Scotia to the crest of Mount Tremblant to the high rugged trails on Mount Washington. I remember the wind whipping wildly as we shivered and watched the Lake Michigan waves roll in at Two Rivers one winter day. I remember his arms around me as we drank in the crisp, clear starry night at Big White on our honeymoon years ago.

Oh, to have any of that back again! Through great gulps of grief I savor the sweetness of all we had. There are times he feels so near I can almost see the love in his eyes, breathe his familiar scent or hold his ever-warm hands...

But I can not.

Oh, the pain of that!! I can not reach him as he is just beyond the veil, in another realm beyond my comprehension.

It makes the longing for Heaven that much stronger. It makes the yearning for that final journey that much greater. It makes my deep need for God -- His strength, His love, His direction -- that much more urgent.

"How much more" was a phrase Ted and I loved to study as we saw it occurred in the Bible quite frequently. It took things to a higher level; stepped them up a notch.

• If God clothes the grasses of the field -- those that will be tomorrow thrown into the fire -- how much more would He clothe you and me and provide for our deepest needs. (Luke 12:28)
• If a father, imperfect as he might be, knows how to give good things to his children, how much more would our Father in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him. (Matt. 7:11)
• If many died through the sin of one man (Adam), how much more would those receive God's abundant provision of grace and the gift of righteousness through one man, Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:16-18)

God gives perfect gifts. He is not just a good giver, but a giver of "how much more." If God has already provided great things for us together in this life, how much more will He continue to provide good things. How much more will He saturate my life with His presence to get me through these painful times. How much more can I trust Him for what is to come, though I know not and see not what the future holds.

Dear God, I have always known you as a God of abundance. How much more you offer every new day. How much more is possible because we hope in you. How much more will I learn to love you and serve you in this life as you prepare me for eternity, too. How much more excited and fulfilled Ted and I will be when we meet again some day!

Finding Rest

I got a bit nervous with my long to-do list.

Of course, I had many offers of help (and accepted help from several), but many of the details in the wake of Ted's passing needed my personal attention. I plunged ahead into new territory, taking the responsibility, wanting to do a good job.

Running at a breakneck speed, I thought if I got things done faster I would feel better sooner. Details paraded through my head day and night. My mind would not shut off and I was getting very little rest. No matter what I got done, there was still plenty more to do as I tried diligently to whittle down that overwhelming list. Of course, the list wasn't getting any shorter because as I crossed things off, I added what was coming next on the horizon...

Yesterday, God spoke to me through another woman's blog. She described how the turbulent details of her life had her "sprinting," yet their life was going to be more like a marathon. Like Kathryn, I realized I have to pace myself. I can't keep this up forever. I can't be two people, accomplishing all we did together as a couple, when I am just one now.

I thought of something Ted told me several months ago when I was heavily burdened. He encouraged me to think of a visual that would help me transfer my burden to the Lord (as we are instructed in Matt. 11:28-30). We came up with the idea of a backpack, in which I would stuff all my work and worry. I would then lay it down at Jesus' feet, watch Him pick it up, sling it on His back and carry it. Then I would walk alongside Him as He carried my burden.

Now I am replaying this new picture of abiding (and sweet memory of Ted's wise advice) as often as necessary -- whenever I feel the stress of "doing" taking over. In the middle of my to-do list, I took a break and sat on the deck and closed my eyes. Allowing more space in my life helps me to more easily hear God shaping my perspective to get the right things done, instead of trying to do it all.

A rested soul makes a great deal of difference. My perspective has changed; my burden is lighter.


Lord, I give you my "backpack" to carry and I want your rest for my soul. As you've impressed upon me many times before, I will once again... Be still. Do less. Be more. (See post from March 2011.)

10 Ways He Said "I Love You"

Ten years ago today, my sweetheart proposed to me on the top of Casa Loma in Toronto. Our time together was short, but we loved each other well. Now he has gone on to be with the Lord, and I want to share just 10 of the many ways he showed his love for me in the "daily stuff":

1. He always had a bright smile to greet me when he opened his eyes in the morning. He made engaging eye contact that told me he loved me.
2. He'd make me coffee and breakfast each weekday morning, since his day started later than mine. He liked making homemade "egg mc muffins" or making that small plate colorful with fruit slices.
3. When I got dressed for my work day, he always made some positive comment about how I looked or what I was wearing. He loved variety.
4. As he’d walk me out to the car, he'd talk about whatever plans we had for the evening, referring to them as dates (baseball dates, hockey dates, bible study dates…).
5. He always opened the door for me – car doors and the doors to buildings. Our friends would tease him, “Ted, you’re making me look bad.” Once in the grocery store parking lot, a man commented from his truck, “Hey dude. It’s great to see that chivalry is not dead!”
6. He'd often phone once during the day, and count the hours till we would be together again. He would linger on the goodbyes, telling me sweet things when he hung up the phone. Sometimes it would embarrass me because my peers at work were listening. How silly of me was that?
7. He'd fill up my car with gas, whenever it got low. I never had to think about it.
8. When thanking God for the evening meal, he’d also thank Him for bringing us back together safely.
9. As he watched the nightly news (or a favorite hockey team), he’d tell me to come and sit close by him. He really enjoyed the side-by-side time... and so did I.
10. If he wanted to stay up late to watch sports, he’d come and pray with me as I went to bed, and tuck me in -- and always kiss me goodnight.

Was this fairy tale real? Oh yes! He was a sweet man who actually did all these things – on a regular basis – and a whole lot more. What a gem I had. I will love him forever.

Thank you, God, for the wonderful man you gave me and the time we had together. He reflected your love and grace and helped me know you more.

See also:  10 Sweet Ways to Say “I Love You” (May 2011)

  

Spirit Lead Me...

After a great period of living on the mountaintops, I now find myself walking through a deep valley. I have wonderful memories, precious family and terrific friends, but missing Ted has left such a huge hole in my life there are times I can't imagine ever being whole again.

As I wade through tedious to-do's, I am exasperated that seemingly simple transactions can become so difficult as I am sent through endless strings of automated attendants and people who can't help me. Then the details of my days burst into my consciousness at night and steal my sleep. 

But as I lay awake, I call on my Lord. A beautiful song (Oceans: Where Feet May Fail) I heard in church a few weeks ago drifts through my mind to soothe me:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I realize this is a period of making my faith stronger, making me more effective for my Lord. I am called to trust Him without borders -- wherever He leads me. Just as I have been learning all along, I must keep my eyes on Him, not on the waves.

Gracious Lord, you have given me many reminders that you are near. Your grace abounds in these deep waters. You will be my husband now and I look to you to fill that great hole in my heart. 

One Set of Footprints

My dear husband left this earth three weeks ago. Where once all our adventures were together, today I walk the beach alone and there are only one set of footprints.

I hear the pounding surf, see the scurrying sandpipers and feel the cool sand squishing between my toes. While my heart and soul aches to have him back, I know my Love is still with me in my spirit. I smile remembering fragments of wonderful conversations we've had...

Each frothy wave brings up new trinkets of the sea and washes away the imperfections in the sand, refreshing the shoreline. As I pick up tiny treasures polished smooth and delivered ashore by the powerful waves, I know that our loving God is at work in me, slowly polishing, healing and refreshing me, too.

His are the one set of footprints, as the legend goes. The Lord carries me now, in this time of great loss. He gives me my daily bread. He fills each need as I abide in Him.

Lord, I know that you will never leave me or forget me. Your love wraps around me and endures forever. Thank you for all your glorious goodness.

Abiding, Like Never Before

With my sweet husband in the ICU for the last two weeks, I'm learning to ABIDE like never before...

A is for Abandon – a surrendering of one’s power; to give up control or influence; a thorough yielding. Lord, as much as I long to have things my way, I know Yours is ultimately better.

B is for Bask – to lie in or expose oneself to a pleasant warmth or atmosphere; to take pleasure or derive enjoyment; delight in the Lord. I soak up Your Goodness, Lord. I remember all the kindness and compassion You have shown me.

I is to be Intentional – eager attention; having the mind, attention or will concentrated on some end or purpose; focused determination. I lift my eyes up to the Lord, where my help comes from.

D is to Dwell – to remain for a time; to live as a resident; to keep the attention directed. I will remember the things You have told me. I will camp here in the shadow of Your wings.

E is to Endure – to continue in the same state; to remain firm under suffering or misfortune without giving up, drawing my strength from the Lord. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


Lord, Abiding in You brings strength. There is no place I'd rather be.